Thanksgiving is a time for reflection and gratitude. Adobe Stock image
As we approach Thanksgiving, I’m struck by both the complexity and the opportunity of this national holiday.
Thanksgiving can carry a real tension when we acknowledge that the familiar story — pilgrims and the Wampanoag sharing a peaceful meal — does not reflect the full truth.
It can also be a time with personal emotional complications, including grieving those no longer at the table or traditions that have passed. This year, it may include stress about anticipated conflict, as it seems to me like we’re living at a time when it’s harder and harder to maintain kind and civil discourse.
I’m wondering if these complexities don’t have to diminish the day, but instead might invite us into a deeper, more honest practice of gratitude — one that is not naïve or nostalgic but grounded, thoughtful and compassionate.
In a sense, the heart of Thanksgiving is not the historical narrative or the dinner menu but the practice of gratitude itself, which remains a profound spiritual and psychological resource no matter how complicated the holiday may feel.
Gratitude is powerful precisely because it does not require us to pretend that everything is perfect. True gratitude is not denial or sentimentality; it is the practice of noticing the good that persists even in the midst of struggle.
Gratitude does not erase the difficult truths we hold, but it can coexist with them. When we practice gratitude, we acknowledge that life contains both light and shadow, and that noticing the light often helps us keep moving through the darker spaces.
If stress about family harmony over the holiday is intruding on your gratitude, here are a few strategies that might be helpful.
Staying loving and civil during these moments isn’t about forcing false harmony or pretending everyone gets along perfectly. Instead, it’s a set of intentional practices that help us show up with kindness, maintain our own peace and create an environment where everyone feels a bit more grounded. With some preparation and mindfulness, we can navigate even tricky family dynamics with grace.
One important tactic is entering the gathering with realistic expectations. Many conflicts arise not from what actually happens but from the hope that this year will be the magically perfect one — no arguments, no awkward comments, no emotional landmines.
As I am part of a long line of Irish worriers (remember, your potatoes could turn black overnight!), my spouse, Peter, often reminds me that things never tend to be as bad as they are in my head. Accepting that people will likely behave in familiar ways can help us stay calm rather than surprised or reactive.
If you know a relative tends to bring up politics, interrupt others or ask probing questions, remind yourself beforehand that their patterns are theirs, not yours. Releasing the expectation that you can “fix” them — or that they will suddenly change — frees you to focus on how you respond rather than on controlling the room.
Another helpful strategy is to set gentle internal boundaries. These are the quiet commitments you make to yourself: “I will step away if I feel overwhelmed,” or “I won’t take the bait if someone tries to argue,” or “I’ll respond kindly but won’t justify or defend my choices endlessly.”
Internal boundaries help you maintain emotional balance without needing to announce or explain anything. Pair this with intentional breathing — slow, deep breaths that reset your nervous system — and you give yourself the space to respond rather than react. It’s amazing how much calmer a conversation can feel when you give yourself those few extra seconds.
Redirecting or reframing difficult conversations is also a powerful tool. If a sensitive topic arises, you can steer things gently without shutting anyone down.
Phrases like “That’s an important topic, but today I’m hoping we can focus on being together,” or “I hear your perspective — let’s talk about something lighter for now,” can shift the mood without shaming or escalating.
If someone tries to pull you into an argument, humor or curiosity can help: “That’s an interesting take. Pass the rolls?” or “I hadn’t heard that — what made you think about it today?” Often, people just want to feel heard. A little validation — without agreeing — can go a long way in diffusing tension.
Practicing active love is another tactic that changes the atmosphere of a gathering. Love doesn’t always look like big emotional displays; often it’s quiet and practical. It’s helping with dishes before being asked. It’s listening attentively to a story you’ve heard a dozen times. It’s offering a compliment or asking someone about something they enjoy.
Small gestures of kindness can soften even the most challenging interactions and create micro-moments of connection that help everyone relax.
Finally, focusing on the greater meaning of the day — gratitude — can be particularly helpful. Gratitude makes us gentler. It helps us see beyond irritations to the deeper truth: these are the people who shaped us, challenged us, supported us and walked with us in all kinds of seasons.
You don’t have to ignore their flaws, but remembering what you appreciate can soften the sharper edges of the day. Even being grateful for your own growth — the ability to set boundaries, communicate clearly and choose kindness — can help you approach the gathering with more confidence and peace.
Staying loving and civil at Thanksgiving doesn’t require perfection, just progress. It simply asks for presence, patience and a willingness to choose connection over conflict. With thoughtful preparation and compassionate self-awareness, we can create gatherings that feel warmer, calmer and more meaningful for everyone at the table — including ourselves — that truly reflect the gratitude to which the day calls us!
Editor’s note: This column was written by the Rev. Trish Sullivan Vanni, Ph.D., pastoral director and priest of the Charis Ecumenical Catholic Community in Eden Prairie.
Interested in contributing a faith-based column to EPLN? Email editor@eplocalnews.org.